I like this definition: A companion knows you well enough to understand your likes and dislikes and can support you when needed. – Richard Anton
Relationship Exercise
Dr. Denice Moffat
Purpose: This is an exercise for couples thinking of getting married or are already committed to a long-term relationship and want to make it as good as possible. The goal is to feed your partner’s emotional bank account by determining and providing precisely what they think is a top priority in a perfect relationship. You will build a “Top 10 List” and incorporate some of these things daily into your schedule to feed your partner.
This goes both ways! We each have very individual needs in a relationship. During the first six months of a relationship, we often focus on showing each other how much we love and care for them by attending to all their senses. After a while, this type of attention slows down, and we end up doing for the other person (love and affection-wise) what WE would like to have done to/for US. This is when relationships start to get sticky. So, open those lines of communication!
Step 1: The Process:
As a couple, brainstorm a list of what is essential for each of you. List one item per line. Take up as many pages as necessary to complete the list. Leave room at the bottom for adding other things as you remember them.
Divide your list into these five categories:
- Items are necessary for you to feel like your relationship is perfect.
- Things you would like to have to happen but are too embarrassed or uncomfortable to ask for.
- Items that are important enough to you that you would like to see happen often.
- Things would be lovely to experience occasionally and would be greatly appreciated.
- Items are not that important but would be appreciated.
Step 2: Make two separate lists (one for each partner)—list only those necessary for you to experience a perfect relationship. Don’t worry about prioritizing them right now.
Step 3: With your list, recall and imagine the emotional “state” associated with each item. Discuss who will go first. Ask your partner to remember what it was like in that first six months of bliss. How you did things together, what you felt like, how you showed you loved each other, etc. Provide some examples if necessary.
Step 4: Ask. Ask your partner, taking the first item on the top of their list, “Honey, concerning this item of ________….Is it necessary for you to experience this to feel you have a perfect relationship with me?” Rate the items on a scale of 1 to 10, with ten being the most important to you. Your goal is to find the things you have listed with a seven and above.
Now listen to the inflections of your partner’s voice. If they waffle (e.g., Well…yes…I guess…), it’s probably not on the highest priority list. The goal is to find those things on your partner’s list that they emote with the conviction of absolute highest importance (like a 9 or 10 ranking). You want to emphasize these activities that please your partner the most.
Continue down the list and transfer the essential items, as evidenced by voice inflection, onto a separate sheet of paper. For each thing you ask about, start with the sentence above, “Honey, concerning this item of ______, is it vital for you to experience this to feel we have a perfect relationship?
Continue down the list and transfer the essential items, as evidenced by voice inflection, onto a separate sheet of paper. For each thing you ask about, start with the sentence above, “Honey, concerning this item of ______, is it vital for you to experience this to feel we have a perfect relationship?
Step 5: Switch Places: Now switch places and repeat the questioning process to get a prioritized list for your partner.
Step 6: Commitment! Commit to your partner to focus on and practice the essential things with them for four weeks. After that time, set a time and date to sit down and reevaluate your relationship and where you could modify things.
This exercise is SO worth the effort.
A note on creating positive associations: When you are in the same room with your partner and experiencing emotional trauma, whether it involves your partner or someone else, you are inadvertently building a negative association with your partner. This is a bad thing and leads to a breakdown in your relationship.
Place your focus on building positive images and associations with your partner instead. Plan happy activities regularly. Look your partner in the eye when comfortable, exhilarating, or fun things are happening to you.
Avoid eye contact and avoid being in the same room in adverse situations. That means not discussing these things in your bed, bedroom, dinner table, or the other sacred places in your home or work environment. Don’t watch your partner when you are talking on the phone and having a negative interaction. When something upsets you, don’t look your partner in the eye while discussing it…especially when it has nothing to do with your partner.